Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
