Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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