after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
a search helicopter?!
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
its liver damage thursday
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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