1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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