is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
