The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
