I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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