If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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