Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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