Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
