May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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