My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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