I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
