I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
