Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
