my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
