So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
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