I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
