One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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