Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
