Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i will never coherently bang her
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
