To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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