Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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