she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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