Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
