life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
