make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
