watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
