So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
