My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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