MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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