Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
