I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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