I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
