the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
