Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
