here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
