I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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