I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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