i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
