I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
