The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
