Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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