and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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