there's paper in my vomit.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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