Me. At least after what I've been through.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
