I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
