Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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