Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
