He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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