I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
