im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
