Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
