I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
